Online shopping

If you use Amazon nowadays, you don’t mention it. At least I don’t. Times have changed and whereas I used to be out of the Amazon Closet, I am now back inside and barricading the door to protect myself from the teeth-gnashing views of people who have seen the light about Amazon, but don’t want to buy it. I like Amazon, though, and liked it way before the pandemic. And thought the reviews are fun and sometimes funny, the best bit is the Questions section. That always make me laugh. And boggle a bit, too. And wonder what possessed the person to reply in the way they did. You imagine some prospective buyer, anxiously figuring out the precise attributes of a prospective purchase, and carefully framing a question. S/he posts it on the site, waiting expectantly for a precise reply before proceeding to the checkout. Unfortunately, the mystery prospective buyer has not worked out that there are compulsive people out there who have an uncontrollable urge to answer questions, even though they do not have any answers. Like this one, for instance: With the multi-colour lights, can you select a single colour for the light via the remote or are they always multi-coloured? Answer: Sorry I cannot answer your question. I returned these as they were very small and one of the remote controls wasn’t working. Top of Form Hmmm. This is one is quite classy in that it fails to answer the actual question, but also garnishes the non-reply with a dash of irrelevant information. Meanwhile, back the ranch, the prospective buyer has given up on lights and bought a lawnmower instead. Don’t get me started on the lawnmower questions. Here’s another cracker:  Can the rope light be cut to size? Answer: Sorry I don’t know, I used it complete... it’s now given up but after being outside for couple of years in wild Scottish weather around our hot tub decking. It’s fun that so many like start with an apology, and some dim recognition that the reply really isn’t going to help. But this one is descriptive genius at its best. By the time you have started to imagine the hot-tub on some forlorn north-facing icicle bound deck, and two be-kilted Scots coming out into the teeth of the kind of gale you only hear about on the shipping forecast, you have forgotten about why anyone would want to cut rope lights to size anyway. But the current most evocative exchange is here: Hello, can anyone please help with how to assemble this roller? The instructions are useless. Many thanks! The cheery, almost bouncy beginning, the hearty thanks anticipating a helpful response, and the air of faint desperation all add to the charm. The question id quite precise. What could possibly go wrong ? Here’s what:  Answer: Sorry our handyman did it for us but it was not a problem. We are pensioners but we got it together and he tightened up the bits. I really hope that the questioner found a sensible answer that allowed whatever this was to be assembled without loss of mental health. I guess probably the thing ended up in the bin after hours of trying to figure out what bit fitted where, and failing to find a spanner of the right size. Just as an afterthought, I was stunned this week by another amusing exchange when, after a long search, I bought some cycling overshoes online. I’m used to getting information about possible dispatch and delivery times, but this week was something else altogether, and a first. A prompt mail arrived from the seller with order confirmation, followed almost immediately by an eager, almost breathless, - nay, almost manic - email from the delivery company:  Hi Dave Hepworth We're expecting your parcel from Chain Reaction Cycles. We'll let you know as soon as we receive it. Although we've received initial instruction to deliver your parcel, we're reliant on Chain Reaction Cycles giving us the parcel Though impressed with the high keenness quotient, I did feel that this might be taking customer expectation a little too far. I would have settled happily just for a delivery date when they had one. And I was fully able to understand that they could not deliver the parcel until they had their mitts on it. They followed up today with this, together with a generous offer to photograph my parcel for me: Hi Dave Hepworth We've got your Chain Reaction Cycles parcel and we're delivering it today. We'll deliver your parcel: Between 7pm and 9pm We won't ask you to sign for your parcel. We'll knock on the door and step back, then when you answer we will take a picture of the parcel in your open doorway   If you need harmless pandemic fun, online shopping could be your go-to source.