Baa humbug, Gavin

This week there are lambs everywhere. Well, maybe not everywhere, but in lots of fields. As usual they are impossibly full of energy. Bouncing around, suddenly springing into the air for no apparent reason other than sheer exuberance and the need to jump.

They are having impromptu races alongside the walls, climbing on tree stumps for a different view, and generally having a whale of a time, before they get the urge to call mum for dinner and then run across the field towards the familiar voice.

It struck me that they are so markedly different from sheep. Sheep do a lot of standing, eating, and generally have a look of endurance rather than enthusiasm. If they can remember the pleasure of jumping, they don’t much of that anymore, and the closest they get to speed is when they spot food arriving on the back of a tractor in the winter.

Standing around stoically in shaggy fleeces they could not be more different from the lambs they once were.

And suddenly Gavin Williamson was in my head, uninvited and rent-free. Not that I am suggesting he has any of the sheer seductive charisma of sheep.

But I wondered what sort of curriculum Gavin Williamson might arrange for sheep, given the experience of his approach to children.

He would want to make sure that lambs had a curriculum which prepared them for life. Since sheep do little voluntary bouncing about, that would definitely be out, except maybe at playtimes for 15 minutes.

What is the life a of a sheep like ? Well, lots of standing about with horizons limited by walls and fences. So lambs really need to get used to that. Gavin would have them shoulder to shoulder in small pens learning how to eat grass. Grass isn’t what lambs eat ? Well, the sooner they start, the better. Important that no lambs get behind.

Sheep tend to walk in lines, wearing sheep-tracks in fields everywhere. Instead of racing, lambs would be taught to walk in single file. No running !

And sheep need to be able to recognise lambs’ voices, so the lamb curriculum would have lots of recognition practice with recorded baa-ing to identify sheep voices in various simulated weather conditions.

Naturally there would be a sheep-dog course, getting lambs used to the demands of sheep-dogs, the importance of obedience to avoid being nipped, and the general perils of tangling with dogs generally.

Male and female lambs would be separated for sex education, as the curriculum would be entirely different for rams and ewes. There wouldn’t be much on relationships, and if there was any passing reference to pleasure, it would be distinctly ram-focused.

There would be a brief module on grief and how to deal with it when your latest offspring disappear to become lamb chops, leaving you sad, puzzled, and resentful.

There would of course have to be rigorous assessment to ensure that no lamb was left behind. Only lambs firmly in the middle of the bell-shaped curve would pass. Nobody likes a smart lamb: being cute is quite enough of a handicap to a prospective sheep already. And lambs who did not meet basic standards in long-standing and baa-recognition would find themselves heading to the chop factory earlier than expected.

Forget lambhood. It is important to get every new generation aligned with the demands of sheepism as soon as possible.

Sound familiar ? After fixing the curriculum for children, this should be a doddle. Good for you, Gavin. Give it a go.